In the course of the last couple of days I have utterly humiliated a couple of men. (I know this is usually a hobby of mine, but these two scenes were particularly memorable to me, and likely to them.) As a female sports nerd, I relish the opportunity to essentially castrate a man with sports info.
Scene 1: On Monday I was at lunch, and had neglected to bring a book to read... This left me pretty bored. I could really only spend so much time looking at the wall in front of me before becoming even more bored, so I took to listening to a conversation taking place behind me. (Normally I'm not an eavesdropper, but they were talking about the NCAA tournament, and well, I really couldn't help it!) One man was a UCLA fan. (A sound pick in my estimation.) The other was an Illinois fan... (Somewhat dodgier in the grand scheme of things.) The following is what I heard:
UCLA Guy: Hey, when was the last time you guys had a national title?
Illinois Guy: I don't remember the exact year, but I think we had one in the late fifties.
UCLA: The late fifties? You have to go back a half a century to find a championship? Jeez, no wonder you all got beat!
Illinois: Hey I didn't say it was recent, but I'm sticking with my team.
[The two begin to pack up and throw away their lunches, and not one to let errors in sports knowledge go by, I took it upon myself to chime in.]
Liz: You're wrong.
Illinois: What?
Liz: You're wrong about Illinois, and if you're going to call them "your team" it might help if you knew what you were talking about.
UCLA: What do you mean he's wrong?
Liz: Illinois has never won the national title.
Illinois: YES THEY HAVE!!! BACK IN THE FIFTIES!
Liz: No. They didn't. In fact, the only team in the entire state of Illinois ever to win the national title was Loyola Chicago, and they didn't do it in the 50s, they did it in 1963.
[Illinois guy stood aghast]
UCLA: Umm, dude I don't think you're allowed to call yourself a man anymore, because a girl in a sushi shop just robbed you of your manhood... I bet that stings a little. I mean in addition to the fact that you have no hopes of a national title now, and apparently none in the past either, now you can't even call yourself a man... OUCH. Have a nice day, miss... And THANK YOU!
Scene two took place only last night.
As I was waiting for a train to go home a guy approached me and started chatting me up. He didn't look like a total douche bag, but when he opened his mouth he proved otherwise. He asked a few inane questions about my job, and then as the train pulled up he asked where I was from. I told him Southern Indiana.
Guy: Oh like where Larry Bird is from?
Liz: No, further south, and west... Where Don Mattingly is from.
Guy: Who?
[A different guy snickers in the background.]
Liz: Don Mattingly... He played for the Yankees.
Guy: Oh... Yeah, Don Mattingly. (Clearly clueless.) Was he any good?
Liz: Uhh, yeah, he led the AL in batting average for a couple seasons, had a few gold gloves, was AL MVP in '85... he's a hitting coach for the Yankees now.
Guy: Oh yeah, didn't he play for LA?
Liz: No, spent his entire career in New York.
[other guy continues snickering]
Guy: So you're a Yankee fan?
Liz: GOD NO, I'm a Cubs fan.
Guy: You think they're gonna be any good this year?
Liz: Well, I hope so, but I have my doubts because our pitching is in the toilet at the moment... And I don't think that Maddux, Zambrano, and Beckett are going to be able to carry us all season.
Snickering guy: Yeah, but you picked up some solid hitting
[Snickering guy and I have a lengthy discussion about the merits of the Cubs until the other guy gets off the train]
Snickering guy: Yeah, I'm sorry I was laughing back there, I couldn't help it. He was clueless!
Liz: Yeah, tell me about it...
Snickering guy: I mean I'm sorry, but if you're trying to impress somebody, at least try and steer the conversation to something that you know about! He just kept trying to talk baseball and it was obvious he had no idea.
Liz: Thank you for interrupting him! If I was going to talk baseball, It was nice to have someone who knows what the hell I mean when I speak.
Snickering guy: No problem!
[And then I got off the train.]
So yeah, me and my sports knowledge has humbled and deflated the egos of two guys in the last week! In the words of Martha Stewart, "It's a good thing!"
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