KEEP READING.

It has been brought to my attention that I have a tendency to suddenly post a glut of material on weekends in multiple posts. It has also been brought to my attention that when this happens some of you just read the top post and miss the rest because the multi-post thing is not my ordinary modus opporandi.

So my advice to you kids is to read that first post as usual, and then KEEP READING, even if it's just far enough to catch the title of the next post to see if you've already seen it before!

I'm not mad at you, my lovelies, I just don't want you to miss out!

Reason #23,508,612 that Lizzle will be going to hell...

Yeah, we know I'm going to hell, but during the move today, I tacked on yet another reason that I will most assuredly have some prime real estate on the river Styx.

I yelled at a little old woman.

Actually, I didn't just yell at her...

I yelled a profanity or two at her.

Allow me to paint a picture for you:

Anthony had managed to obtain a pretty big freight truck from a family friend. (Think something on the order of an average U-Haul.) Now those bastards are not small, and not easy to drive or find parking for. But he not only drove it without incident, he managed to wrangle a pretty damn good parking spot for it... Meaning we didn't have to park it in an alley, or double park and block traffic. Now, at this point in the day, the truck has been parked in the same place for a few hours, and no other complaints were lodged against the parking job. (He got that bitch as close to the curb as humanly possible without being all up on it.) In that few hour time span, cars are coming, and going, turning the corner, etc. Nobody has had any problem whatsoever.

Anthony and Tihi [pronounced "TEE HEE" in case you missed it in an earlier post] are upstairs bringing down another load of stuff, and I am in the back of the truck, moving and situating the stuff that is already there... I was also making sure nobody was going to burgle my boy's stuff!

And along comes this SERIOUSLY OLD woman. In. Her. Buick. And apparently granny went to driver's ed back in the era of the considerably less maneuverable horse and buggy. I say this, because despite the fact that we were as close to the curb as could be, and despite the fact that all other traffic was flowing freely around us for the rest of the day, granny was having some trouble maneuvering around us.

So granny decides its apropriate to begin honking like a goddamn flock of geese on crack, and flailing her arms dramatically like I'm going to magically teleport the giant moving van out of her intended path of travel. Granny was wrong.

[the following takes place in the span of approximately 2.6 seconds]

I hear the honking.

I drop what I am doing.

I turn.

I see her irately flailing her arms.

I see her trying to verbalize something amidst the flailing and the honking.

I move all the way out to the opening at the back of the truck to see if she has perhaps pinned a cyclist or something.

I realize that there is no pinned cyclist.

I realize that granny thinks that just because she has been around since god was a boy that she owns the whole span of roadway, and that her Buick must be driven through it at the most wide, awkward angle possible, and that as a result, her retarded ass is honking AT ME because I am the one in the truck.

Granny's arms continue to flail.

A transient superficial thought crosses my mind that she might want to do something to contain those giant swaths of wrinkly arm skin before she hurts herself or someone else with them. (This is the only thought that passed through my head, I SWEAR.)

Without further thought or regard, I lift my arms at her threateningly and yell,

"WE'RE FUCKING MOVING, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? NOBODY ELSE HAS A PROBLEM, SO KEEP GOING MOTHERFUCKER!"

Granny looks a little shocked.

Granny's arms go back down to her steering wheel.

Granny's honking has ceased.

Granny hits the gas and moves along.

[3.2 seconds pass]

I realize what I have just done.

I have screamed the word "Fuck" at a granny... TWICE... And then I called her a "Motherfucker."

I then realize the implications of my actions.

I realize that I just yelled these things at someone's grandmother...

I realize I have just signed the mortgage papers for an extra 9 acres on the river Styx.

I should just go ahead and make a sign that says "HELL OR BUST!" and start hitching my way there now... Because really, if there was any doubt I was going before, IT'S GONE NOW.

I forgot to mention...

In all the hubub of the last week or so, I actually forgot to mention a very important thing.

For those of you who don't already know, brace yourselves.

I am, in fact, a super hero.

My super hero identity?

I am LOUDMOUTH.

My super power?

I can influence just about anything merely by yelling at it.

Seriously.

I yelled at traffic the other day. And VOILA! Our path was clear! And I yelled "STOOOOOPPPP!!!" at stupid drivers on Lake Shore Drive and they suddenly found themselves braking. Its actually quite amazing.

I yell at lots of things, and because of my super LOUDMOUTH powers, I often see results... Now I just have to figure out how to work this power into the hours spent at the office without coming off as SNIPPY... Hmm, this is going to be a challenge!

Never fear! Loudmouth will figure out a way!

I need to retire.

Seriously, this has turned into another working weekend for the Lizzle.

I have once again found myself hard at work on my weekend!

Nate gave me a weekend free from flower slinging, but instead of taking the "Lizzle time" that I so very desperately needed, because as I previously noted, I have spent every day since the 10th doing some kind of work, this weekend I have been helping Anthony with the packing and moving process. Why? Because as much as I might need a goddamn day off, I am unable to turn down a friend in need. Why? Because I am a good friend.

Its a curse.

I swear.

I help all kinds of bitches move, and I help people with just about anything else they could possibly want, need, ask for, and even those implied requests that kind of go unsaid... And 9 times out of 10 bitches do not reciprocate. So why do I keep doing it? Because my mom raised me to lend a helping hand whenever possible, no questions asked. Damn.

=================================================

I would also like to note that despite today's loss, the Loyola Men's Volleyball team put forth an incredible effort, and they played their hearts out. I know it's tough to come to grips with the idea that another illustrious season, and for some, the college volleyball career, has come to an end, but no matter what, you are all incredible men, and I love you guys!

=================================================

QOTD (Some real gems from moving day)

[FYI: Her name is pronounced TEE-HEE]
Tihi: "Liz, are you one of those renaissance women who can do anything?"
Liz: "Yeah, I've got all kinds of stupid random skills that come in handy."
Tihi: "Damn, you're just a jack of all trades!"
Liz: "Yeah, plus I'm pretty good with a bow-staff."

(I was dismantling a futon)
Tihi: "Liz, seriously, how do you know how to do all this?"
Liz: "What? You don't know how to operate a screwdriver?"
Tihi: "Not really."
Liz: "You just put the screwdriver into the little grooves on the screw, and turn."
Tihi: "Well, I know all about screwing..."
Anthony: "Yeah, but with your kind, there's usually no screwdriver involved."

Tihi: "Liz, I swear, if you were a dude, I'd totally marry you."

Tihi "HEY! I've got an idea! Let's lean out the window and flash people!"

Anthony: "UGH... Don't let me forget, I need to change out the shower head."
Liz: "You want me to do it?"
Anthony: "You know how?"
Liz: "It's not hard, you got a wrench? .... God, I'm such a bull dyke today!"
Anthony: "OOH! We're like a team... Bull dyke and queeny boy!"
Liz: "Yeah... Except I am not into vagina."
Anthony: "That makes two of us."

This calls for a Miller High Life!

It's a time for celebration!

My head feels better!

My boys smoked Ohio State, and advance to the conference championships.

And ANTHONY HAS BOUGHT HIMSELF A CONDO! He beat out the other person bidding on his new home!

What a great day... So great I will overlook the fact that I ripped my pants at the office, and had to spend my lunch break looking for a new pair, and ended up spending entirely too much money at Marshall Field's... That's the problem with having an office located downtown close to GREAT shopping.

Anyhow, pop open an ice cold Miller High Life, and celebrate today's good living!

(Thanks for the hot banner Nello! And the rest of you need to go see Nello for awesome page designs *Like this one* and Thurs. 13 banners! Click the banner to go to Nello's design page!)

13 Random-ass things from Lizzle:

1.Pie and a ninja pirate mushroom.
2.Squirrels... And Stephen Hawking
3.In case you were wondering what happens on the moon
4.You'll never guess who wins. *

(*You might want the subtitles on the first time through.)

5. Let's go to Kenya!
6. Here's a picture of a Lizard.
7. I ripped my pants just now, I will be forced to buy new ones on my lunch break... That's random.
8. SHOOT DEM JELLIES!!
9. This is where I'll be tonight... We're gonna kick ass!
10. I think my mom rocks... No, SERIOUSLY! She is AWESOME!
11. You really want to buy this for me!
12. Umm, BADGERS.
13. I am really hoping that I didn't get anyone in trouble at the office!

Yup, I'm still a dummy.

Ok, so lately I have touted my job-induced misery to a startling degree. The truth is, I don't think I'm really as unhappy as I previously noted.

The truth is, that as a woman I have hormones that fluctuate WILDLY. This caused me to overreact to my review, it caused my migraine, and in all liklihood, it caused me to feel like I was miserable when in fact I might ordinarily have just been having an off-day.

The ladies out there feel me.

The truth is, I don't HATE my job. For someone my age, it's actually a pretty damn good job. Decent benefits, good salary, paid time off, and it doesn't make me homicidal/suicidal like the tanning salon did. I did come to the realization that I do greatly dislike working for other people though, and I have always hated it when people talk down to me... And in a review type of situation, it's damn near impossible not to sound like you are talking down to the person under review. So in actuality, there were some things I didn't like, but I am getting over them as my hormones adjust to normal levels.

But the realization that I don't like those things has spurred me into pursuing graduate school with a great deal more fervor... So much so, that I have started looking into the GRE general and subject tests... (And let me just say that I am totally terrified.) And I have also started looking into grad programs in Chicago, and a few other cities with greater intensity and interest... Because I KNOW I am not cut out to be someone else's worker pod! I am cut out to be my own working, functional, giggle pod... And being a giggle pod is much easier when you're not answering to someone else about why the retailer maps are reverse paginated.

So with all of this going on, why am I still a dummy?

Because I have gone through all of this at a feverish pace. I have worked in some form every day since the 10th of May. Yeah... EVERY. DAY. INCLUDING. MY. WEEKENDS. Because I worked the whole week before Easter, Easter weekend I spent both Saturday and Sunday slinging flowers, I worked the whole week after Easter, and last weekend I was flower slinging on Saturday and Sunday was spent repainting at Anthony's. And in the midst of all of this came the hormones and the review... and this week it was the migraine. Which makes me think that I was overreacting to the amalgamation of all this crap, rather than being genuinely miserable in actuality... I've been miserable before... I no longer work at the tanning salon.

The real stupidity came tonight. Because despite the fact that I am still feeling the remnants of my migraine (Yes, they can still hurt days later) I went to my soccer game tonight. And let me tell you, it is no fun to feel your brain sloshing around in your skull with every step you take... And it is really no fun when you have to run after a ball or a player in that condition. And it is even worse when the majority of the best players decide to take the night off for one reason or another, and leave us hanging with minimal substitute players, (including no real goalie) and inevitably having our asses handed to us by the other team as a result. In fact, I'm going to go so far as to say that it's downright BOGUS.

Now while I was stupid enough to decide to play tonight, I was also a vital member of the team, because we have to have at least 4 girls on the field at any time in order to play, and including my retarded ass, only 5 showed up... So we had to work out a plan for the substitutions.

But since I still have the remnants of my migraine, and I was the dumb fucktard who decided to go play soccer anyway, my head is kinda mad at me right now... So I am calling it a day.

Migraines... good for the brain?

Today, I went to work, ready to do my job to the best of my ability. Around 11:30 I got "the squiggles." No the squiggles are not some kind of new dance craze, and no "the squiggles" is not some cute name for an otherwise repulsive gastro-intestinal problem.

The squiggles are the first signs I get to indicate that a migraine is on the way.

So I informed the office that I was about to get a migraine, and needed to heavily medicate myself. One of my co-workers asked me how long it would take me to go get meds and come back.

Let me restate that. She wanted to know how long I would need to go get meds and COME BACK.

This is clearly someone who has never experienced a migraine. Migraine sufferers know. They know why it's called SUFFERING.

I told her, "Umm, I don't think I'm going to be able to come back and work today. Unless you want me to be a puking, passed out mess on my desk."

Because that's what migraine meds do... they knock you the hell out so that you feel less of the miserable brain-exploding pain. And an office setting is really not where you want to be when that sets in. You don't want to hear that phone ring, and you don't want to sit in a brightly lit office and look at a back-lit computer screen when you have painful symptoms that include, and are exacerbated by, sensitivity to light.

When you have a migraine, you want to be somewhere DARK AND QUIET!

Let me repeat that: DARK AND QUIET.

The migraine sufferers out there are nodding right now.

So I came home, I heavily medicated myself, closed the drapes, and prayed for an expedited end to the pain in any way that it would come, whether it was from dying by drowning in my own pain-induced vomit, or passing out from those heavenly, glorious drugs prescribed by my merciful doctor.

And so I spent the day in bed.

I can see you all out there saying, "But the title said 'Migraines... good for the brain?' How is this miserable, explosion of grey matter GOOD for the brain?"

Well, I'll tell you. Spending the afternoon passed the hell out in my bed was exactly what I needed. It was the equivalent sick day and a mental health day rolled together and costing me only a half day from my paid time off bank. And tonight, now that I am feeling better, and now that I have finished cleaning the grey matter off the walls and the sheets, I am recounting it for you... and you are reading it, because you love me... And you love me because I have suckered you into my clutches using humorous personal and social commentary. You can not escape.

Some people just clicked their way to another page... Proving that they can, in fact, escape.

But they'll be back... Oh yes, they will be back.

Shifting gears slightly, since my review, as you can imagine, I have talked to some people outside the office about my job. I am not encouraged by the feedback that I'm getting from them. They are saying things like, "Yeah, I really don't see you as the type to be all serious in an office setting." I have heard this a few times from different people. Which means they are seeing what I somehow missed. They knew I wasn't cut out for the corporate world.

This means I have to find something else that will sustain my ability to live, and mesh better with my personality. I'm open to suggestions. Seriously, what am I going to do with my life kids?

I can't work anywhere devoid of humor and a laid-back atmosphere (read: my current working situation) ... So think something up for me kids! And I'll implement suggestions that seem even remotely feasible.

Oh, and before I sign off, someone asked what QOTD was. This means that the feature went WAYYYYYY too long without being used. QOTD stands for Quote Of The Day. If someone says something funny to me, I make a note of it, and I quote them, because I feel that all humor should be shared with the masses! Why else would I write anything here?

Live and learn...

Ok, so I spent my day today trying very hard to be a good little worker bee, and work hard at all the things that were mentioned in my review, so that it would seem that I had taken something to heart...

The conclusion?

THEY ARE TRYING TO TURN ME INTO ONE OF THOSE POD PEOPLE!

You know, the worker pods!

And you know what?

My momma didn't raise a worker pod... My momma raised a loud, obnoxious, hilarious, giggle pod.

That's right, I'm a giggle pod.

And giggle pods are not cut out to be the face and e-mailing, word processing, spreadsheeting, copying, faxing authority of a well respected urban real estate office. They just aren't. It's not natural.

This does not mean I am quitting or even looking for something else... I'm not. The money and the security of my position is too good to walk away from. So what does it mean? It means that I am very actively pursuing getting into a grad program as soon as possible so that I can do my own thing and be a giggle pod, giggling while someone else does the phoning, faxing, e-mailing, and copying stuff... and you know what? I'll be nice to my admin. EVEN IF SHE GETS "SNIPPY" WHEN SHE'S BUSY. And by the way, Idle, you are SO right... --A. Evaluations are total bullshit time when the boss gets to be a pot calling the kettle black, and the poor little kettle can't say anything, because the kettle is too shiny, and new, and reliant on the paycheck provided by the pot... and B. "snippy" is the pussiest word ever in a situation like that. I would much rather have the blunt honesty of someone telling me I am an outright bitch when someone adds more crap to the shitstorm descending on me... Saying "snippy" makes me feel like I am only half-assing my efforts to offend people who make my life slightly more stressful and slightly less enjoyable. And we all know that I don't care about offending anyone, so half-assing my bitchiness is something that just can't be done!

So off to grad school I go... Now I've just got to find a program around here that'll take my sorry ass!

===============================================

And now for some LOOOOONG overdue QOTDs!

Erin: "God could pick me to be the mother of Jesus."
Liz: "Last time he picked a virgin... I don't think you're qualified."
Erin: "And what? You think YOU'RE qualified? ...Oh yeah, god should totally pick you to be the mother of the new Jesus."
Liz: "Well, if god had me in mind, he clearly didn't think that plan through! He might want to reconsider before shouldering me with the new messiah."
Erin: "Who calls him 'the messiah?'"
Liz: "Well, I do... And we all know that my baby would have to do battle with Xenu Cruise to determine the fate of the universe... While my kid would be properly prepared for a real battle royale, I don't think god would give me the motherly-influence over something as important as the messiah... I think god would be smarter than that!"
Erin: "Umm, I don't know about that... God is funny that way."

"Look at this thing! It's smaller than a baby's prick! [pause] Oh, hell, that's going to be a quote of the day isn't it! Don't post that! It's going to make me sound like a pedophile!" ~Anon.

At the office:
Co-worker 1: "Hey, [Co-worker 2] what's Steve's phone number?"
Co-worker 2: "Umm... hang on, let me look... Oh here it is... it's 666-666-6666"
Co-worker 1: "Oh, I forgot he had the franchise on that number!"

Male co-worker: "What's that book about?"
Liz: "Memoirs of a geisha? You know what a Geisha is?"
Male co-worker: "Well, yeah."
Liz: "Well then the best I can tell you is that the title is accurate."
Male co-worker: "Well ok, then. Is it any good?"
Liz: "It's one of my favorite books... I've read it several times."
Male co-worker: "Well, then I'll have to read it sometime."
Liz: "I don't know too many straight men who get into it... but it is very well written."
Male co-worker: "Hey, I am man enough to be ok with reading a chick book!"

Background: While sitting at a game, we saw some cute kids...
Liz: "Damn those are cute kids... I used to be cute, now look at me."
C: "AWWWWW"
Liz: "You know what I want to know? When did I stop using both hands when drinking out of a cup, because that is awesome."
The cute kids' mom: "As soon as you started caring what other people thought."
Liz: "Well that can't be right... I've NEVER cared what other people thought of me... I STILL don't care."
C: "It's true... She REALLY doesn't."

Weekend recap:

Friday: Work, which ended with my "three month review" (even though I have been there 4 months). Now while this was just standard operating procedure, and nothing to be scared of, it came at the wrong time for me on a personal level. I mean really, the wrong time. I mean nothing particularly awful was said, and my job is not in danger, or anything serious like that, it was merely constructive criticism that was pretty standard. But as I've already noted, the timing was just off... And before we move on, I would like to ask a question of you, my readers:

When in a situation when you EXPECT a little constructive criticism, which is by definition CRITICISM, do you all find it all easier to take if they save at least one point of praise for the end? I know I prefer to close out on a positive note, and not with a negative comment like, say, "You know, we've noticed that when you're busy, you tend to get a little snippy... so could we work on having more of an even keel no matter what you have going on?" -- And another thing, when you're really, genuinely busy, who DOESN'T get a little snippy? Not a single soul, or at least nobody that I know.

Ok, so since we established that the review came at a bad time for me on a personal level, and that we closed on a negative point, which I hate, so clearly, I thought my weekend was off to a bad start... So, being the optimistic, positive person that I am reknowned for being in my real life, and trying to keep my promise to the insurance lady about not slitting my wrists, I sought to go out and improve my outlook on life.

So I made a couple of calls, and I ended up totally drinking my face off at Mark's. (Don't worry, my face was only misplaced for a couple hours, and we found it under the sofa... I stuffed it in my purse to make sure I wouldn't lose it again.) And then I came home and went to bed because I had to work on Saturday.

Saturday: I woke up, admittedly still drunk, and cruised in to sling some flowers, and announced to the whole of the garden department, including the flower slinging staff and our clientele, "THE ENTERTAINMENT HAS ARRIVED, AND THE WORLD IS MY STAGE!!!!" And not to toot my own horn or anything, but on Saturday, comedically speaking, I was en fuego. And I am going strictly on the reactions of my co-workers... You can ask them if you run into them! Saturday evening I had dinner with Kerry, and came home for a serious shower and sleep.

Sunday, I spent the whole day helping Anthony repaint his apartment. (It was bright red and mustard yellow before, and now it's WHITE.) On the whole, the day was hilarious, and remarkably productive... I have a picture of his hot ass, up on a chair, doing detail work that I'll post later. We had a swell time, and a couple of friend-bonding moments, and for something that sucks as much as painting white over red and mustard yellow, we had a pretty damn good time doing it!

So tomorrow I will head back to the office, and I will try not to be snippy... I will try. I am not making any promises, because I know myself well enough, and am smart enough not to promise those kinds of instant results... I think trying is good enough for now.

I am a fucktard...

I am fudging a little on the timing of this post.

It is REALLY 2 AM on Saturday, but officially I am calling this a Friday post... because I didn't post anything else on Friday.

So you're reading this Saturday or Sunday... Maybe even Monday.

Any-who, I AM DRUNKITTY.

So drunkitty that I just watched the end of "Anaconda" and am currently watching the beginning of "Encino Man" -- This from a girl who doesn't watch TV... EVER.

Yeah, so Friday was a bad day at work, and Saturday will be spent slinging flowers, so I'll have to get into it later.

BECAUSE I AM DRUNKITTY.

I'll holla at you bitches later!

Be good!

~Me~

OUT OF THE STONE AGE!!!!

The Lizzle has done it! She has finally moved out of the stone age of telephone technology!

That's right, I finally got rid of my old, piece of crap phone that didn't have reception anywhere, and I have moved up to the (almost) latest and greatest technology!

See that phone? That's my phone! Now I can actually do crazy things like talk on the phone while in my apartment. Yeah, you read that right. with my old phone I couldn't even talk in my apartment... (My building is built like a concrete bunker, so reception was total poo.)

I'm still getting used to this new-fangled phone and all it's swell features, so for the next few days I will pretty much be forced to look like a total tool because I have the manual out trying to figure out how in the hell to set up my one touch dialing... (The old phone kept it pretty basic where that was concerned) Does anybody know how to do this??? Because it is waaay more complicated than it needs to be!

Anyway, here's a quick and dirty version of my Thursday 13... because I don't want to bother with all the hullabaloo of getting the banner and whatnot (though if you want a hot-ass banner, go see Kelly!)

Thirteen reasons why I love my brother:
1. Umm... He's my brother!
2. He is a bartender, so he mixes a mean drink! (just like me!)
3. When we were little, I made him eat a dead fly by telling him it was just a raisin... So I kinda owe him a little extra love for that!
4. When we were little, he was the only person I'd ever roll down the hill with while in a refrigerator box. (Hey, don't knock it till you try it!)
5. When he was a freshman in high school, he won the "Sexiest legs" contest... Which makes him just a little bit cooler.
6. Umm, he's my brother.
7. I think he's even funnier than I am...
8. For a long time, he engaged in behaviors that made me "The good child" and "The FAVORITE"
9. As my predecessor through the school system, he set up a certain expectation for the family name... "Expect the unexpected... and have a sense of humor about it!"
10. He can play the guitar like a champ... and that makes him awesome.
11. Because it has taken him 25 years to learn to like mashed potatoes... which just goes to show you that given time, all things are possible (except skiing through a revolving door)
12. Despite all his faults, he's just a damn good guy!
13. HE'S MY BROTHER DAMMIT! Why are you still questioning this?

I'm officially nuts...

Ok let's ignore the fact that I keep track of people through their away messages... (I know that's a little stalker-ish, but I swear, I talk to 97% of the people on my buddy list!) Admitedly that's a little crazy.

And yesterday I fixed my panty hose with duct tape (don't ask)... I'd say this makes me more inventive and ingenious rather than crazy... Of course all that good is greatly overshadowed by the sheer trailer-park-goodness of fixing panty hose with duct tape... I SWEAR I'M NOT W.T. But I had to keep the panty hose on in order to keep the outfit pulled together, and applying duct tape at knee level kept the run from running any further and being visible under my pedal-pusher pants. (For the record I feel like a trashy dork for trying to rationalize this to you.) The fact that I'm telling you at all probably makes me a little nuts.

And today I get a phone call about my insurance... They have some questions about my medications...

Her: Hi, this is Susan from Blue Cross Blue Shield.
Me: Hi. What can I do for you?
I just need to ask you about your medications.
Ok, shoot.
Ok, so I see here that you have migraines?
Yes.
And you take drugs X and Y.
Yes.
And how often to you take them?
As needed... no real set schedule for migraines, you know.
Uh-huh, and do you take them for every headache?
No... Only the migraines, and usually I don't take them unless I know it's going to be bad.
I see... And what do you do for them when you don't take the medications?
Umm, you don't really have a choice but to ride it out.
Uh-huh... And I see you are also taking Ambien. (sleep medication)
Yeah... I take it on a rare, but occasional basis.
I see... and do you have any other psychological or nervous disorders?
Umm... None... I just have trouble sleeping sometimes.
And have you ever attempted suicide? Or been hospitalized for harming yourself or others?
JESUS! NO, NEVER!
And how often do you have suicidal thoughts?
Uhhh.... Never.
And how many times have you been hospitalized for depression, or other psychological disorders?
None.
And who prescribed this for you? Your primary care doctor, or your psychiatrist?
Umm, I don't have a psychiatrist... So, my primary care doctor.
And do you have any plans, appointments, or thoughts about seeing a psychiatrist?
No... I just have trouble sleeping on occasion.
So you have no intention of pursuing therapy of any kind?
NO, I JUST HAVE AN OCCASIONAL NIGHT WHERE I CAN'T SLEEP!
And have you had any family history of depression or suicide?
No.
Ok, that's all the information we needed from you. Thank you!
I guess you're welcome.
Have a nice day.
Yeah well, if I don't end up slitting my wrists after this conversation I'll try!
Ma'am was that a joke?
I just told you I DON'T have suicidal thoughts or tendencies, what do you think?
I have to be sure ma'am.
Yeah, it was a joke.
Have a nice day.
You too.

So apparently not being able to sleep makes me a certifiable threat to myself and those around me... Am I the only one who thinks that these questions were a bit much considering they stemmed SOLELY from a sleep aid?

Leave the twins outta this!

Ladies, back me up, when you've actually got tits, they are WAY less of a big deal than guys might think. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a guy say "God if I had tits, I'd never leave the house!"

Gents, let me clue you in on a little secret.

They are just conveniently mounted lumps of fat. Trying to balance them often leads to back aches. And if you are ever stabbed by an underwire continuously for 12 hours as you try to work on anything, you'll have some idea of what it's like to have boobs. Add in some 4 inch heels that you'll need to learn how to properly walk in, dealing with monthly hormone fluctuations, and the oh-so-delightful cramps, bloating, and men questioning you about PMS, and you'll start to get the picture of what we deal with... And then we have the pleasure of dealing with your dumb ass talking about how if you had boobs you'd never leave home... Well at that moment we're usually wishing you had boobs instead of just being a boob, because if you were true to your word, at least you wouldn't be standing there bothering us.

Anyway, I feel the need to mention this because I've noticed a rash of comments regarding my twins... Picture it: I'm sitting at a game, or at a restaurant, just trying to have an enjoyable time, and I look down at something... could be to see if I got something on my shirt, could be to see if my necklace is hanging where it's supposed to, etc... And suddenly I hear a comment on the order of "What? Checking to see if they're still there?" I get these cracks from both male and female, those who I know well, and some who I don't...

My instant response is "No, smart ass, I was actually looking at my shirt/ fixing my necklace/etc." However, I am always tempted to say something to the effect of, "Well, they are just so fabulous, I have been looking at them for 23 years and just can't get enough" or "Hey, just because you're always checking out my boobs, doesn't mean I am... I've seen them before, and I'm pretty sure they aren't going anywhere."

Does anyone else have this problem?

I think these two have the Easter spirit...

I love this game!

With Brenda googling herself and turning up amusing comments she made, I was inspired to engage in one of my favorite internet games, GOOGLE LIZ!

So when I googled "Liz likes" I got the following responses:

• liz likes to liquor up my thoughts
• Liz Likes to take part in my mind games
• Liz Likes Sex
• liz likes plaid
• Liz likes her new, two-person transplanter best of all her machinery
• Liz likes to guilt trip people
• Liz likes him from the beginning
• Liz likes to study Vietnamese
• Liz likes to tell her own stories

And when I switched to "Liz has" I got these:

• Liz has a fiddle
• Liz has made me feel very comfortable
• Liz has left her mark in just about every room of the house
• Liz has travelled the world over
• Liz has a Bachelor of Social Science degree (1986) from Rhodes University and a post-graduate diploma in Human Resources Management (1987)
• Liz has a bachelor's degree in social work from Kansas State University
• Liz has been a dancer all of her life
• Liz has developed advanced system capabilities for information retrieval
• Liz has been featured in TIME magazine, Fortune magazine, The New York Times
• Liz has modelled all over the world
• Liz has trichotillomania, a disorder characterised by compulsive hair pulling
• Liz has served as a role model

And in the category that I find most amusing, "Liz Needs" turned up these results:

• Liz doesn't need a boy right now...Liz needs a MAN!
• Liz needs to be loved, pursued and reassured
• LIZ NEEDS CHAPSTICK! STAT!
• Liz needs to be physical and energetic to avoid becoming restless
• Liz needs her sleep, after all she is carrying Jon's demon child in her womb
• Liz needs to satisfy one person ... herself
• Sometimes even Liz needs a holiday now and then
• Liz needs to live in Hawaii and have her own pineapple field.
• Liz needs to get over herself and get therapy.
• Liz needs a bad boy and Lorenzo needs a good girl.
• Liz needs to be taught a few things about fire safety

I got tagged...

The lovely Marcia tagged me. Amazingly, in my 2 years of blogging this is the first time I've ever been tagged... Makes me feel kind of special... And makes me wonder why none of you crazy bitches wanted to tag me before!?!?!

So here's the story, complete with rules:

1. Go write weird facts/things/etc. about yourself in my comment box and on your blog, then tag six more people!
2. Then leave a comment that says ‘You are tagged‚’ in their comments telling them to read your blog.

(I would like to note that I am not putting my info in anyone's comments... but in this post instead, and furthermore, I will not be tagging anyone because most of the people who's pages I read regularly have either already posted this, or would not participate.)

• In my bathroom there are 7 squares where the cream colored tile is interrupted and instead of a single large cream colored tile there are 4 smaller black tiles... I note this because I HATE THIS... I HATE IT A LOT! Seriously, what's wrong with those 7 random places on my walls? WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE BLACK TILES MIXED IN WITH AN OTHERWISE ALL CREAM-COLORED BATHROOM!?!?!?!
  
• I have 2 house plants. They both have names. A "lipstick orchid" that I spent 2 years looking for, named Chloe, and a calandiva kalanchoe that I got from the office, named Rhonda.
• I took up black and white photography in high school... I took more photography in college, and since then I haven't worked at all on my photography portfolio, largely because my manual camera is kaput. (And if you ask me, a manual camera is the only way to go when doing photography as a fine art...) But I really wanted to start up again when I saw this piece. (The little picture you see doesn't do it justice... but it is quite literally the sexiest photograph I've EVER seen.)
• I haven't eaten beef in 8 years... despite the fact that certain members of my family refuse to acknowledge this fact, and I continually am expected to explain my reasoning to them... After 8 years, you'd think they'd accept it.
• I believe there are a few different varieties of shoppers... In women, the most common varieties of fashion-oriented shoppers can be divided into 3 categories; there are shoe people, there are clothes people, and there are bag people. I am, and always have been, a BAG person... though I certainly don't neglect the shoes or the clothes.
• I once administered CPR to and saved a pregnant 15 year old girl who's heart stopped as a result of seizures... She and her baby survived... I will never forget this because it happened on mother's day, and I thought about my mom the whole time.
• My favorite confection is a Hawaiian Christmas candy known as Mele Kaliki Macs. They are hazelnuts coated in toffee, then covered in chocolate, and then dusted with powdered sugar... They are spectacular, and I actually can find something simlar at the local grocery store... it's not quite perfect, but it's pretty damn close!
• Marcia already knows this, but I have a thing for those little garden gnome sculptures... I love them. I don't know why. I don't actually own one, but I want one REALLY REALLY bad... I have had opportunities to buy one, but the ones that were available were not the right gnomes for me.

Yeah, I think that's enough for now.

CRAZY DREAMS...

Last night I dreamt that I was travelling in Greece. I was busy touring the countryside, visiting all the landmark sites, lounging on the spectacular beaches on the Agean and Mediterranean seas...

Sounds lovely, right? Yeah, it was... Until all of a sudden I find I have actually dreamt myself in Greece in the middle of a tsunami... Clinging to one of those ionic columns for dear life as millions of gallons of water wash away thousands of years of history... and in the end, well, let's just say I don't make it out of Greece. (I'll spare you the gory details.)

In another dream that seems to start out well, and then goes all to hell, I was playing frisbee with some friends and their dog on a lovely spring day, and all of a sudden it starts to snow... Turns out that this was no ordinary snow, it was essentially a snow of the apocalypse. We're talking terminal nuclear winter.... Antarctica had nothing on Chicago.

In the end, it's too cold and all the heating pipes freeze up, and I end up a Lizzle-pop... complete with icicles dangling from my nose. Considering how much I HATE being cold, this has got to be the worst way to go!

What on earth is making me have these crazy dreams where I die horrible deaths?

The Happy Hour is TWO YEARS OLD!

Saturday marked two years since the birth of the happy hour! Can you believe it? Neither can I!
Since we're entering the terrible twos, we're celebrating in style with some sexy-ass cakes!

Awww, Happy Birthday, Little Blog!

Busy bee!

I haven't blogged in a few days, but I have a reason! I've been a busy bee! It's only 6 PM Saturday and I have already been a very productive girl this weekend!

Friday I got a half day off at work, so I lunched with Anthony, Gino, and Kelly, took a stroll in the beautiful spring weather with Anthony and did a little shopping (cashing in that Victoria's Secret gift card,) and then last night I went up to campus and cheered on the men's volleyball team to victory over Rutgers. It was senior night, so it was a nice way to close out the regular season. I then went for dinner and drinks with some pals, and came home for a movie and bed.

Today was spent at the home depot, flower slinging! For the first day back, it was a pretty good time! (Some of you might be wondering why the hell I'd still sling flowers even though I have a "real job" and the answer is simple, its a fun job, so it's not really like "work" and I was kind of bailing out my friend who also happens to be my boss at that job.) I then went to the grocery, (something that I have put off doing for ENTIRELY too long,) and while I was there I decided to go ahead and go blonde for spring and summer... So that decision is taken care of. Tonight I'll be going out with Erin, probably for a movie and whatnot.

Tomorrow will also be spent working, because working on Easter means time and a half on the paycheck. And after work, I'll be cleaning my apartment, because I have also put that off for farrrrrr tooooooo looooooong.

Anywho- I've gotta get back to my busy day!

Be good kids!

Thanks to Kelly for the sweet new banners! (if you click the banner, you can go and get your own, because you know you want to be super-cool like me and have an awesome Nello Designs banner!)

Thirteen reasons why I can't wait for my family reunion!

1. Alcohol, in large, free-flowing quantities

2. My family, consuming that alcohol.

3. The hilarity that invariably, inevitably ensues as my family consumes that alcohol.

4. The hilarity that invariably, inevitably ensues as my family consumes that alcohol, and tries to play games involving trivia, charades, or money.

5. The hilarity that ensues when my family drinks the alcohol, and tries to sing karaoke.

6. The hilarity that ensues when my family drinks the alcohol and tries to play any kind of organized sport... The family softball game a couple years ago was the stuff of legend!

7. I'll get to see my brother and sisters, who I never get to see!

8. I'll get to see my peanuts, both old and new, because I never get to see them any other time either!

9. The annual reunion is held out on a ranch in kind of a remote area... which means when someone decides to drink too much and piss off the family, there aren't many people around to hear that person screaming for help... and it's easy to hide a body in the woods!

10. Did I mention the free-flowing alcohol?

11. I might be able to talk Tarreck into another drunken Cubbie weekend in the fall!

12. There's lots of food... and PLENTY OF (alcoholic) DRINKS!

13. What happens at the family reunions invariably NEVER stays at the family reunions, and if it was noteworthy, you can bet you're going to hear about it at every given opportunity for the next 15 years! (And it will almost certainly result in convulsions of laughter for everyone in earshot!)

I'm a loser.

Ok, well, I'm only a member of a losing team... We lost last night 2-1 and there really wasn't any excuse for it. We didn't play nearly as well as we should have.

Personally, I had a sweet header, a couple of good touches and passes, and one doozy of a pass, (but on that doozy of a pass I am attributing it to the really awful lighting because I couldn't see who was who, or what color jersey they were wearing for shit... Not that that's an excuse.)

I also think I strained a muscle early on last night, and I was feeling it throughout the majority of the game. So that kinda sucked. But Dave got our only goal, so that was pretty sweet, because we love Dave!

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Speaking of things that are pretty sweet, my cousin Tarreck called to inform me that he has plans to come up to the Windy City next month for a second run at the greatness we achieved the last time he came up back in August.

We had a weekend of drunken amusements and Cubbies baseball! (All at his expense.) It was my kind of weekend!

Last time, it was all fun and games, this time, we're making history... and we're not going to call it a night until someone gets arrested!

Well this is going to suck...

Ok so I went here to find out HOW I'm going to die... the result?

Well as it turns out, I will encounter a crazed man in a hardware store and he will stab me with a pitchfork. (See for yourself!)

What this thing forgot to mention was that after the guy stabs me, before I die, I remove the pitchfork which was still embedded in my torso, and I proceed to avenge my own death by stabbing the crazed man in the face with the same pitchfork.

So take that bitches!

Take it and let me know how YOU are going to die!

LLAMAS, LLAMAS EVERYWHERE (But not a drop to drink)

I have gotten this from multiple sources, so it's time for me to share it with the masses! (Please have speakers on for this one!)

LLAMAS!

And this is one of those links that if you play it at work, it's going to be fairly obvious that you're not doing anything work related... So only play it in the office if your boss is cool like that.

Birthday Wishes!

I bet she's been waiting for my call all damn day, but since I have a real job now, I can't be calling from 9 to 5, so this is a quick little message to say,

Kim, I didn't forget your birthday!

It is today, and you are one hot slut of a 26 year old!

Have a good one girly!

Since you can't drink WITH me tonight, drink one FOR me!

Wait a minute... YOU'RE NOT MOSES!

Ok, I've stated here MANY times that I'm not much of a TV person. Caro actually gets upset with me because I refuse to watch some of the garbage that she watches on a nightly basis... But last night after work, I hopped on a bus to go see my darling girl and shoot the breeze with her for a little while. Naturally the conversation switched to the topic of television fairly early on, and she was disgruntled over the ruining of her Easter tradition, that tradition being the annual viewing of the classic The Ten Commandments starring Charlton Heston. (Personally, as much as I enjoy that film, I prefer THIS and THIS as an Easter tradition!)

She mentioned that the classic version of The Ten Commandments would not be aired because SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW got the slightly less than bright idea to re-make absolute classic, and pinnacle of old-school religious movies, The Ten Commandments.

Now, I might not be a TV person, but I AM a bit of a movie snob. And I could have told anyone that this was NOT going to work... EVER... Especially with Dougray Scott as Moses!

And so, after my arrival home from visiting Caro, I looked on the internet to see when they planned on airing this atrocity... my answer, RIGHT THEN! And so I chatted with Marcia and watched this train wreck. Here's a running diary.

8 PM - Ok, the opening credits are rolling, and I already hate it!

8:05 PM - I sit dismayed at the speed with which this movie is already progressing... We're getting no backstory here.

8:20 PM - Dismay overflows into utter shock and appalled-ness. We are 20 minutes in, and Moses has already been cast out into the desert.

8:25 PM - 5 minutes after being cast out into the desert... Even with 2 and a half minutes of commercials, Moses has already met the shepherd girls. So wait, Moses only spent 2 and a half minutes in the desert? Umm, that's kinda bogus.

8:27 PM - I ask myself for roughly the thirty-seventh time, "Um, why do all of the egyptians have British accents?"

8:30 PM - Moses talks to Paris Hilton's crotch... er, um, I mean the burning bush.

8:40 PM - Moses turns the Nile to blood. And with all the technology and special effects available to us now which weren't available in 1956, this still looks lame, and definitely was more convincing in the original.

8:43PM - Another 2 and a half minutes of commercials later, and 30 seconds back into this joke of a movie, and he has already unleashed 3 other plagues... Dayum! Are these bitches trying to set some kind of speed record? Let's remember that this is a long-ass book of the bible, and that people of Christian, Jewish, and Muslim faith all have a little jones for Moses... We've clearly skipped a lot, and we clearly don't care about character development.

8:43 and 12 seconds PM: I decide I can't handle any more of this nonsense without large amounts of liquor in my system.

8:45 PM - I change my mind... This movie isn't worth my top shelf liquor. So I pour myself a drink and watch the Shawshank Redemption instead.

I don't think I'm going to try for round 2 tonight... I mean the first hour (almost an hour anyway) was bad enough that I had to switch it off over an hour before the actual end. But if you're interested, go ahead. It's on at 9, (8 Central).

Ok, so apart from the fact that they cut out EVERY SINGLE sub-plot (including some rather important ones) let's look at the other really big problem... ACTING.

Now, as a movie snob, I might be a little biased here, but I think when you're trying to re-make a CLASSIC movie, let alone AN AWESOME and WELL-ACTED CLASSIC, you better have a KILLER script (you'd think it was hard to go wrong when your script is based on THE BIBLE! ...But apparently not...) And you better have something up your sleeve casting wise. This one didn't have either. The acting was HORRENDOUS, and the writing wasn't helping matters.

Don't believe me? Here's the review from IMDB.com ... And YEAH, it was that bad.

This is not going to be a great day for Scottish actor Dougray Scott. Trade reports indicated today (Monday) that Heist, the NBC TV series in which he stars as a professional thief, is being canceled after it debuted with disappointing ratings and continued to drop each week after that. At the same time, critics are heaping damnations on his miniseries The Ten Commandments, debuting tonight, in which he stars in the role made famous by Charlton Heston. Tom Dorsey, writing in the Louisville Courrier-Journal observed: "Scott plays Moses more as a 'Why me, God?' person who seems in agony and on the verge of tears much of the time." Scott Pierce, writing in Salt Lake City's Deseret News, commented that Scott's performance is "more wooden than his staff." Another Salt Lake TV writer, Vince Horiuchi of the Tribune, concluded: "We're left with a mucky, blood-stained version of the Prince of Egypt who didn't encourage me to follow His commandments. OK, I did follow one commandment for I cannot bear false witness: This movie sucketh." Commented Matthew Gilbert in the Boston Globe: "Portrayed by actor Dougray Scott, Moses is so lacking in leader-like charisma and confidence that he seems ready to break into tears at every sand dune." Part of Scott's problem may be the script -- the movie script, that is -- according to the San Francisco Chronicle. Wrote David Wiegand: "Unlike Heston, Scott's Moses is meant to be a regular Joe, given to self-doubt, occasional indecision and inattention to his wife and family. But who needs Moses, of all people, to be the guy next door?" Moreover, Scott has attracted some positive notices. Jonathan Storm describes the production as "pretty darned good" and Scott's performance as "superb." In an interview with today's New York Daily News, director Robert Dornhelm said that he realized that he would probably make "a lot of enemies among Jewish groups who would say, 'What did you do to our Moses? ... But I showed [the movie] to my rabbi, and to my great surprise, he had no problem with it."

The guy who called it "pretty darned good" and "superb" must be hanging out with Whitney Houston a little too often, because I think he was smoking something on the job if he was paid to write that review!

I can't handle this mess! I am still at work right now, and I need a drink, because this shit is getting me all riled up!

If you decide to watch this piece of crap, DON'T, I repeat DON'T come bitching to me, wanting that 2 hours of your life back. I'm not letting you borrow my time machine, and I totally warned you!

Bump watch...

OK, we all know that the Tomkitten is not being gestated by Katie- I -sold- my- sorry -self - out- to -be -the -beard -of -a -former -Hollywoood -icon, -and -in -hindsight -I -should -have -held -out -for -more -money -Holmes.

Pink is the new blog put together a collection of dated pictures to show us all just how dumb these bitches must think we are! I mean really, she was sporting a bump back in October... That's 7 months ago! And then in December it looks like someone forgot to put their fake belly on before leaving the house, because POOF! That bump is gone!

I will say that I do derive a certain pleasure in tormenting the guys I know who used to have the biggest crushes on her and Britney Spears... It's just too easy to pass up!


If you want to see the picture in all it's giant glory, click it and magnify it! It's really quite funny!

UPDATE: Here, I reposted it from home because it was a little hinky trying to see the version I posted from work. Anyway this version works.

Take the love you're given...

There's a new love in my life!

Yes, that's right, the Lizzle has found love!

This is new territory for me, as I have not had a love in my life for entirely too long.

Where it will lead, who's to say?

I hope it's a lasting affair and not just a passing lust, but as they say, "Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance. In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of them all is love."

And so I will contine loving, and hoping my new love and hope that my love endures the test of time.

And so, Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, I will continue loving you until the end of my days!





It's a fairy tale romance!

I think I know what happened to Jay...

A while ago we got the last post from Jay... It detailed a certain unfortunate event in his life, and ever since, we haven't heard from him.

I think I've uncovered what has become of our beloved JJ McFatty!



We hope Jay comes back to us really soon!

The worst is over...

I know that when it comes to chores everyone has at least one thing that they absolutely hate.

For Nello, I know it's laundry. (That's a tough draw when you're a mother of 2 kids under the age of 4)

For me, it's dishes.

I HATE HATE HATE doing dishes. (I don't mind it when I have a dishwasher, but I'm doing them by hand these days because I don't have one in this apartment.) My detest for handwashing dishes was a tough draw for me back in the bartending days, especially considering the bar that I worked at didn't have barbacks... So we had to do all our own glass washing. (Not having barbacks is bad enough when you're packed and just trying to keep ice in the wells, but when you're absolutely slammed and you have to stop and wash glasses because you're out of pint glasses, or pitchers, or highballs ... Well it's a fucking nightmare... But we won't go there.)

Anyway, I hate doing dishes, as we have already established. And most of the time I do my dishes one at a time as I use them to avoid doing a whole sink full of dishes and glasses covered in grubbies. But for some reason, I have gotten totally lax with doing any kind of chores around my apartment. (I only did laundry last Tuesday because I needed clean soccer stuff for my game on Wednesday.) And today I tackled the beast! I did the dishes that I have been putting off for entirely too long. And now that they are all done, I am sitting here wondering why I put it off for so long, because it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and yet I let them just hang out in the sink because I just couldn't bring myself to do them. So much of the day today will be dedicated to doing all the other chores I have put off for so long, because now that the dishes are done, the worst is over... It's all downhill from here!

And the other part of the day? I'm thinking I'm going to go to the park and run, and if I can talk anyone else into it, I'll work on my ball handling (FOR SOCCER... Get your filthy mind out of the gutter!)

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I am also going to use this post to call out Caroline.

Caro mentioned the other day that she wanted to have a "Let's pretend it's warm" party.

Everyone who was there when she said it thought that this was a tremendous idea, and we were all looking forward to it... And as of now, we have yet to hear any more about it's acualization.

Let's hop to it Caro! I'd be happy to help you out if that's part of the hold up.

===============================================

I'd also like to congratulate my volleyball boys for clinching the regular season championship! This means that they get to host the division tournament, and hopefully playing at home will mean that we're going to the national championship where we belong!

Congrats guys! You're awesome, and we all know it!

Somehow I am not surprised...

The Internet Movie Database reported the following:

Pregnant actress Katie Holmes stunned a magazine journalist when she accompanied fiance Tom Cruise on a recent interview, by acting in a "dazed, passive and vacant" manner. The former Dawson's Creek beauty, 27, sat quietly beside Cruise as he opened up about his abusive father Thomas Mapother III to Parade reporter Dotson Rader. In the Parade interview, Rader writes, "Holmes wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive and vacant. She never stopped smiling." Rader was stunned to notice Holmes kept smiling, even as the Top Gun star recalled the beatings he suffered as a child.

When you join a cult, and drink the electric koolaid, you become smily and vacant... Oh Katie, you're doomed... and once you "give birth" to "your baby" (and by "give birth," I mean take posession of the child belonging to the Russian surrogate we all know is out there somewhere, and by "your baby," I mean your goose down pillow,) you will have doomed us all, because we all know that the Tomkitten is the anti-christ, and Xenu will come down and smite us all or something...

Lord... I need a drink.

Good morning my Saturday readers!

So I know that not many of you read this mess on Saturdays... Likely because you are out enjoying your weekend, and you are not confined to the boredom of a cubicle where a little time spent reading the Happy Hour is one of the few things that keeps you from stapling your cubicle neighbor's mouth shut... I've been there... And I know.

So Carrie, my dear, sweet reader from Maryland wanted me to go out, get drunk, and come back with a funny story for all of you kids... Under ordinary circumstances I'm happy to oblige such a request. However, seeing as I only had a couple of hours of crappy sleep Thursday night, and I was still suffering soreness on Friday from Wednesday night's game, I knew out of the gate that it was going to be a relatively low-key evening.

I ended up going over to my friend Mark's place, where we watched the first half of "Platoon" and then proceeded to play the most intense game of Monopoly EVER... And by intense, I mean that the four people involved were either all yelling at each other, or we were convulsing in fits of intense laughter.

It was a good night.

I know this doesn't make for the most interesting read, so I'll look into going out and doing something fun tomorrow, and we'll go from there.








In the meantime, here is a picture of Chewbacca and a large turtle... Just because!

MISERABLE!!!

Do you kids ever have those nights when you just can't get to sleep? And on the off chance that you actually do get to sleep, you can't stay asleep?

Yeah, that was me last night.

I would say I got maybe two hours total... No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get to sleep, and once 4:30 rolled around, I finally snoozed a little bit, but by then I had self implanted the idea that since I didn't get to sleep until 4:30 that I would sleep through my alarm at 7. So I kept waking up all paranoid as to what time it was.

I hate that.

I also hate that my muscles are taking turns hurting! Yesterday it was my hip flexors and my quads, today it's my hamstrings and my calves... And I just sneezed and figured out that my abs are a little tender too! DAYUM!

Man, being all achy and tired is bad enough... and I still have to come into work because it's not like I've got a legitimate excuse to be all achy and tired, like having the flu or anything!

And I'm supposed to go out drinking for Butler's 25th?

I don't know if I'm gonna make it!

The five second rule does not apply...

This morning, on the bus ride to the office, I stood next to a guy who was maybe 50-55 years old, (age has nothing to do with this story, but I'm painting a picture for you,) and he appeared to be of eastern European descent. So there we were, packed in like sardines, and he decides he wants a cough drop. So he grabs a trusty Ricola out of his pocket, unwraps it and pops it in his mouth.

A few minutes later he decides he needs another one.

So he pulls another trusty Ricola out of his pocket, unwraps it, and drops it on the floor of the bus.

As he began to bend down and go after it, I prayed that he would just think better of it and leave it, or that he was merely picking it up so that nobody else would step on it and manage to slip or something... But after he dropped it, even before he began bending down to pick it up, I knew what was going to happen.

He bent down, picked it up, and popped it in his mouth.

I don't recall being so thoroughly disgusted for quite some time.

BLECH!

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As for the soccer game...

The field we played on was nice, but it was astroturf instead of grass. For those of you who have played any kind of sport on grass, you know that real grass offers a little give and a little softness. Not so with astroturf. (As evidenced by the bruise on my knee from a fall in the opening minutes.) In the words of the great Vince Lombardi, "Astroturf is just fuzzy cement."

Vince knew what he was talking about.

And the game itself was technically recorded as a tie, but I'm officially declaring it a moral victory because the other team subbed in a guy who was not a regulation player. (He was a pickup player who was not on any official roster and just sat on the sidelines hoping to get to play illegally.) The other team also scored their only goal during a period of stopped play when they were supposed to be subbing in players, but since nobody on the sidelines moved, someone decided to kick the ball anyway... Since our whole team was under the impression that the game was stopped for substitutions, we didn't go after it. The goalie stood and watched it roll into the goal, because we were all still waiting for a whistle to re-start play... The ref seemed to think that restarting play was unnecessary, because the other team had obviously already re-started... So he decided to count the goal.

We protested, and we scored the only legitimate goal in the game, but in the end it goes on the books as a tie... We'll get those bitches come playoff time!

And me, I was DEFINITELY VERY VERY RUSTY. It'll take a couple more games to really get back into the swing of things... But It'll happen! (I did have a lot of fun though... I only wish my quads and hip flexors were capable of remembering that they had fun, because right now they are yelping and whining in pain!)

What do hiccups and a soccer game have in common?

You read the title of this post, and you paused... Surely you sat, audibly pondering, "What do hiccups and a soccer game have in common? HMMMMM... WHAT THE HELL DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON? LIZ, TELL ME WHAT THEY HAVE IN COMMON!!!!"

Well, today I have them both!

THAT'S RIGHT KIDS! Today is the day! The outdoor soccer season begins! And I'm going to be there with bells on! Umm, ok, maybe not bells, but definitely shin guards! And my all-too-expensive new sports bra, as previously mentioned.

As for the hiccups, they'll go away... I hope.

So what soccer team is worthy of being affiliated with the Lizzle?

Team USUC.
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...

...

Think about it... THERE YOU GO!

I personally thought it was fitting that I play for Team USUC... It's just one of those really great coincidences in life!

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I really don't have much else to tell you at this point!

Wish me luck!

LOOK AT WHAT I GOT!!!

Ok, I have mentioned that I am a spectacular shopper... And I do mean spectacular. For example, I was shopping a couple weeks ago, and I happened into one of my favorite furnishing stores. And as I strolled around looking for a fabulous find, I stumbled across THIS! The picture makes it look small, but it's not. It's made of wrought iron and included the 39 little glass votive cups and easily stands 6 feet tall and almost as wide. And do you know how much I paid for it? Do you? Remember, I said I am a spectacular shopper.


It cost me thirty dollars!


MAN, I'm GOOD!

MARDI GRAS PICTURES!!!!

Ok, so these aren't exactly in order, but you get the general idea!


Caroline had some kind of fruity concoction, but it didn't knock her out quite the way she made it look.

Caro was certainly frisky, and as you'll see, Dave is trying to act like he's not enjoying it quite as much as we're all sure he did!

God Caro is a hot slut!

Yeah, if you grabbed the Bellows, you'd be out on the bar too... and you wouldn't be feeling really great the next day either!

Caro and her imaginary coke lines! (And a spectacularly long snorting straw!)


Look at these hot bitches.


Yeah Dave is acting like he doesn't enjoy the debauchery of Mardi Gras... but really, who wouldn't give in?


Aww they are so damn cute!


He likes it... We all know he does!


Yep. He likes it!


Caro & Luke.


Caro & Kevin


See, now he's REALLY enjoying it!

Caro wanted to demonstrate her pole dance! (With a street sign)


And in the end she's a crumpled heap of faublous laughter on the sidewalk!

There were a couple of things we didn't get shots of... for which the guilty parties are grateful, I'm sure. But you get the overall idea... The liquor was flowing, the beads were plentiful, the pictures might be decent, but they didn't capture even half the fun we had that night.

And would you all please comment and encourage Caroline do deliver her recap of the evening. She can steal my pictures and tell her version. I'm sure you won't mind looking at the same pictures again to hear her own unique take on the night... Because she's a better writer than she gives herself credit for!

PICTURES!!!

Ok, so it's been a while since we've had some pictures! (Because of technical difficulties) but now that I've finally gotten everything back in order, here are some pictures from my drunken adventures!

These are from the last time I got to go out with J-Dub. We went to a bar I hate, and then we went to another bar I hate, but we went upstairs to the piano bar which is considerably less-hate-able.

These guys were doing a country duet on the piano...


And when you're out at the bar, there's always got to be one asshole in the group... Generally I assume I am that asshole by default, but Brian decided to be the asshole, and did it in quite a humorous way by taking the song request sheets and passing notes a la 3rd grade


(Are you having fun tonight? Yes or no)


(Left:Meet at the bike rack after class? Yes, No, Maybe)
(Right: Can we be on the same team at recess? Yes, No, Maybe)

Seder, stabbings, and a really really awkwar/awful approach...

Ok, a week or so ago we established publicly that I am a Catholic.

After reading SarahReznor's post today, I was compelled to write about this... to see if anyone else is as confused about it now as I was then.

I've attended Catholic schools all my life... Kindergarten straight on through college. Impressed? Don't be.

For those of you who are wildly uninformed about other religions and religious practices, Seder is a passover celebration/meal generally observed by the Jewish community. There are lots of little symbolic things that are eaten to kind of "remind" the observers what the Hebrew people went through for the original passover back in the days of Moses.

This is all well and good, and don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the Jewish people. (I do have a bunch of Jewish friends and they are fabulous.)

But here's what I don't get... As a fourth grader (or somewhere there about) we celebrated/observed Seder at school. At a Catholic school. Where to my knowledge there was not a single Jewish student, administrator, teacher, janitor, or lunch lady. NOT A SINGLE ONE. So why did we have a Seder? I have no clue. We continued to observe this ritual every passover for about 4 years... And then it kind of disappeared as suddenly as it had arrived.

I still don't get why we celebrated Seder at a Catholic school... And they say hindsight is 20/20... In this case they lied.

Come to think of it, there were a couple of Kwanzaa celebrations in there too... and demographically referring back to the makeup of my school, I don't get that one either!

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I REALLLLLLLLLY wanted to stab a co-worker today... And the people who work the phones in India. (Yes, we're back to calling India again!)

To be honest, I would be so much better off if this one fellow at the office could just learn to be nice, or at least be polite enough to ask for a favor nicely... Just because I am relatively new doesn't mean I am indebted to him, or that I deserve to be treated like dog shit.

As for the people in India, they aren't telling me anything new... So I think we need to kick that hunk of junk back-up system to the curb!

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And now, for the grand finale.

As I was walking back to my office from lunch today, I was approached by a homeless fellow who wanted my change.

Now I admit that usually I don't give them a dime, I do make exceptions... For example, if they have a really great sign, like something on the order of, "Ninjas killed my family, need money for kung fu lessons" I'll cough up whatever I've got on me. But this guy's approach was REALLY REALLY AWFUL... And to be honest, if I'd had a dollar on me, part of me thinks I'd have given it to him just to get him the hell away from me. The other part of me would have been too busy throwing up... But I digress.

So like I said, I was walking back, and this guy saunters up and asks me if he can have a dollar.

He then proceeds to elaborate.

He says he needs the dollar to go and buy himself some chili...

He says he needs the chili because he has not pooped in 5 days.

I respond with, "Buddy, I don't carry cash. (Which is true.) But if I did, I don't think I'd give it to you because I really don't want to think about you taking a 5 day old dump because you got chili with my dollar."

ICK!

Springing forward is for jerks!

I hate daylight savings time! Personally I think we need to abandon this system... I mean really, I'm a big fan of that fall back stuff, that extra hour of drinking or sleeping time is great and all, but I don't think it's worth all the hullabaloo of adjusting my clocks twice a year and trying to catch up on my sleep for a week every spring. I think this mess is total BULL.

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Something else that is total BULL is the price of undergarments... And I'm not talking about the kind of undergarments you'd EXPECT to pay for...

I didn't exactly walk into LaPerla on Saturday. Instead, I decided to get outfitted with some new soccer gear. I went to my local sporting goods store, picked up some new cleats, some new socks, and a few other necessities including a couple of sports bras. (Because let's face it, keeping the twins safe and in order is rather important.)

I was somewhat shocked when I looked at the price tags for these items... I mean we're talking cotton, nylon, spandex... not french lace, or 24 karat gold woven into the fabric.

I paid more for a single sports bra than I paid for cleats... THAT'S INSANE! (And I got one of the cheaper ones!!) It's amazing what we women are willing to do in the name of boob management... But if managing them now keeps them from being around my ankles at age 40, then so be it.

Who doesn't love a little Chuck Norris?

Sports and coffee? I'M SO THERE!!!!!!

Special thanks to Mar-SEE-ahhhh, who sent me this article and gave me a good weekend chuckle.

And now I'm back to watching hoops!