Let's talk about my problems with alcohol...

1) I have a tendency to let alcohol open up the proverbial "emotional floodgates".

2) I tend to make out with boys when I drink. (Ok, this in itself isn't a problem, but I will say that I owe an apology to all those of you who have ever witnessed my public displays of affection and been offended by it)

3) I tend to drink too much, and before you know it, we've got all kinds of messy problems. (Open and repetitive apology to Alana for those nights.)

4) I tend to downplay those problems entirely too much.

5) Broken seal issues are never fun when you're between stops in your drunken escapade... (I know that Alana can sympathize with me here.)

That's just the top 5, and I am already seeing a pattern of personal humiliation... Does this mean I'm going to stop drinking? Is this the end of Lizzle's alcoholic adventures? Of course not!


So in my last post I promised a great entry and funny stuff... yeah... so I lied. I really don't have much of anything in the way of a funny post with amusing quotes, primarily because I got drunk and decided to sleep it off instead of going ahead and putting it up while it was fresh last night. I'm an asshole.

I will, however, share Ben's Las Vegas story...

Ben went to Vegas with certain expectations and pre-concieved notions... he was met with a real doozie of a reality check (Vegas style). So he's walking down the street and is propositioned by a prostitute (We'll call this first hooker Regina). (If I'm getting things in the right order, it was an offer of a "full-body massage") He turns Regina down and goes into a casino bar where he is propositioned by another hooker (We'll call this second prostitute Kathy). The first prostitute, Regina, is not entirely out of the picture just yet, she followed Ben into the bar, and witnessed the second proposition from our new friend Kathy. So our dear sweet little Benny turned down the Kathy as well, but being the nice guy that he is, he buys both Regina and Kathy a round of drinks. After a little conversation and another round, the first Regina had to use the restroom, so Ben was left alone with Kathy, at which time Kathy posed a very interesting question to Ben in an exchange that went something like this:
Kathy: "Um, you know that other hooker is a man, right?"
Ben: "What? No way! That's not a man!"
Kathy: "Yeah, she's totally a man."
Ben: "Really? I didn't think she was all that attractive as a woman, but now that I know it's a man... wow, I'm kind of impressed, I never would have guessed."
(Shortly thereafter, Regina, or should we say Reggie, returned.)
Reggie once again propostioned Ben, and once again, Ben turned Reggie down... although I feel safe in saying that this time Ben did it with a bit more conviction.
So when Reggie kept on trying to put the moves on Ben, Ben just came out with it... here's the exchange:
Reggie: "I think we could have a lot of fun together."
Ben: "No, I really don't think we would."
Reggie: "Sure we would!"
Ben: "Man, you're a dude! Aren't you?"
Reggie: (Flabberghasted) "Well, yes, but you never would have noticed"
Ben: "UHHH, I THINK I'D HAVE NOTICED THAT!"
Reggie: "No, you really wouldn't... [Reggie hikes up his/her skirt at the bar] Do you see anyhing?"
Ben: (Rather shocked) "Well... no." [pause] "Impressive tuck job, by the way."
Reggie: "Thanks. You want to buy me another drink?"
(Ben bought both Reggie and Kathy another drink and walked away alone, a little wiser and with a pretty great first-night-in-Vegas story.)

The next night Ben had his pocket picked, and while he did catch the perp, he didn't recover any of his money, so that put a significant damper on the rest of the trip.

So if you see Ben, you can give him a hard time, but go easy on him because we still love him.

That's all.