Well, it's been a day...

(***This is not a jovial post. Feel free to skip it if you don't want to read me being a "Debbie Downer"***)

Going into my holiday getaway, I knew this day had to come... And it was a rough day for the ol' lizzle.

This morning, I left my dad's house, (which afforded ample quotes during my brief time there, which will be posted later,) but that meant I was going to come "home" to see my mom. Now this is kind of a touchy thing. Since my grandmother's death in September, my mom now kinda cares for my grandfather these days, so instead of coming home to my house, I'm hanging out at my grandpa's house. That's fine by me, it's a lovely home, and it's where my family is... and that's what matters. But at the same time, it's kind of weird and tough to be here knowing grandma isn't here. It's obviously our first Christmas without her, and it's still kind of new for me because I was able to put some kind of emotional distance in there when I was several hundred miles away in Chicago. That buffer was quickly shattered.

Let's also factor in the fact that I paid holiday visits to my uncle and my other grandmother, who are both terminally ill. Knowing with little room for doubt that this will be their last Christmas with us was also really rough... And as someone who is really never at a loss for words, I spent a large part of my day struggling to find words. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to say it. In the interest of avoiding awkward dialogue, I tried to defer to others, and just answer any questions in simple, minimal ways... I don't like to pretend my life is all big and important when I'm standing at the bedside of someone who is staring death in the face... You know it seems kind of cruel to talk about what you are planning to do a couple of years down the road when you're addressing someone who probably only has a few months at best.

So then I had Christmas with my mom. She spoiled me as she has a tendency to do. And after the "official Christmas" was over, she took me aside and issued intensely personal and sentimental gifts. (And when you've had your physical and emotional barrier crushed in a heartbeat, it's really tough to maintain composure when sentimental gifts are presented.) And when we went to exchange a music box that wouldn't play, I was shown a copy of the gift that my mom gave my grandpa, (A little framed print entitled Merry Christmas from Heaven) ... at which point I nearly lost it a store at the mall.

So I had a bottle of wine with dinner.

And then we went to the $2 movie theater... (because they can do that in my hometown) and I saw "Jarhead." (Strange movie.)

And so that's been my day. A few tears. Some laughter (though not enough by my normal standards). And here I sit, stealing wireless from my grandpa's neighbors, and dragging all of you down into the muck to wallow with me. Sorry guys... just had to get it out of my system.